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[Wednesday
May 23rd, 2007
9:17pm] |
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I wonder, are you happy? It seemed so sweet; where does the time go? Guess what, I still miss you. I miss laying still with you, your stomach against mine, to breathe easier. & you were familiarity, my best friend, brown eyes, hair like an accident scene. You were only my first everything, so don't sweat it. I lay alone with the memory of your hands stuck to my ribs. But memory isn't enough to fill the empty space that stays between them. You took the heart that used to beat there in your pocket when you left. Well, I don''t look like I used to. There were places where I could kiss you like a moviestar. Those places look nothing like they used to. & there was a moment when I had a little boy in my arms, who I'd known all my life, shaking. You smelled like Dail soap, fabric softener, sweat. You were'nt scared the first time, breathing hard against me until I pressed my lips against your against your neck, on your stomach. And then you held my shoulders down and we listened to the cars outside. Our hips made the make believe crashes. Sing again for me some time. Just stand in my doorway for a second, just stand long enough for it to feel like you never left. I remember how you I used to make you say things over and over just b.c I liked the way your voice sounded. It's the stupid things you did that make me cry. I remember how I'd watch your shoulderblades move underneath your teeshirt, I want you to close my hand in yours. Say you could never forget how I loved you. Like no one else could love you. It rained the day you left, and maybe it was better cause you couldn't see all my tears. You kissed me goodbye and tossed me your hoodie. And left. Because "that's that". I know all this means nothing, except I'm still hurting. But it's okay. Why don't you show up at my door after practice, like you used to. I like the way we did things. I would hug you around the middle so I could feel the soft muscles on your stomach, and on your arms, so I could feel your hip bones and your heat. And I'd smile like I knew it'd be forever. Please say you remember how long forever is. Please say you remember how I loved you. cos I love you, still, I love you. Read it over until you remember forever. Do you remember now?
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[Tuesday
May 22nd, 2007
10:56pm] |
You should have heard me sobbing
As I drove home that night
Got into bed and stayed there
For days
I just laid there
Having been permanently changed
But we won't get into that now
Let's take it from the start
You should have seen me smiling
Like the world was mine
He used to call me baby
Softly, sometimes
But if I dwell on those days too long
I feel like my life is over
And that's no good
So let's move on
to the part where I begin to sense
His distance
I panic and hold on tighter
But that makes it worse
How am I supposed to take it
When he said:
"This is something I'm going through,
It's got nothing to do with you"
i had a special evening all planned out
Desperately determined to reignite
Some spark between us
He had to feel something for me
A love as strong as ours
Doesn't just go away
You can't just turn it off
Unless he was lying all those times...
But I don't think so
I really don't think so
The way he used to look at me
Made me a thousand feet high
The meaning of the word cool
Not the same geek
Who fumbled through her words that nightThe ugliest night
I said some pretty awkward things
I got the feeling that he felt sorry for me
I should have seen it was hopeless and left it alone
But I had to go on embarrassing myself
"I miss what we had I need you so badly"
I must have sounded pretty pathetic, I know
That's why I don't blame him for what he said
But listen to me rambling
We don't know each other that well
But you're so easy to talk to
I feel like I can tell you almost anything
I hope I haven't put you off
I have a tendency to do that
Why don't I just be quiet?
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[Tuesday
May 22nd, 2007
4:48pm] |
tthrow up.
throw up
throw up
you can do it.
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[Monday
May 21st, 2007
9:10pm] |
drank bad water.
puke for like ever.
bad day.
looked like shit.
i suck.
life is shit
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[Monday
May 21st, 2007
9:50am] |
im such an optimist when it comes to other people
i want people to be happy.
i love my friends more then anything
and i know i would do anything to see them not hurt.
blaaaahh.
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[Friday
May 18th, 2007
11:09pm] |
4 hours went by pretty fast.
brandon is such a cute baby.
i really like watching him. so i hope this works out.
tonight i saw fracture. it was amazing.
you= a complete asshole.
and probably deserve everything you got.
idk. i hate lj. whyd i start one?
hrm? tell me that.
birthday is in like less then 2 weeks.
i want a puppie. nothing more. nothing less.
i realized today. friends are shit.
pretty fucking much.
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[Thursday
May 17th, 2007
9:27pm] |
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[Thursday
May 17th, 2007
7:11pm] |
letdowns.
i was taught to believe in God,
but all he does it let me down.
but i suppose i let myself down.
i believe everyone i love will go to heaven b/c i want nothing but great things for the people i love.
and no matter how hard i try to fight my urge to be kind or loving.
i stil have that need to want to take care of the people in my life. or just everyone.
i think conor said it best " I really just wanna be warm yellow light that pours all over everyone I love."
even if im not all bright eyed and smiles. i want the people in my life too be.
im sorry mom
i love you.
and youve been there for me every single step of the way,
so no matter what happens from here,
just know i will take care of you the way you took care of me.
you mean more to me the i could find a way to tell you.
everything will work out.
i think.
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| :[ |
[Wednesday
May 16th, 2007
8:20am] |
i cant stop thinking about it.
i guess its how i'm wired.
dear. candy.
i am sorry im sorry i came to see you
in hopes i was going to adopt you.
i should have been more responsible
and explored every poss.
i hope you get a good home.
i know, we would be a good fit.
but right now, things just dont seem to be going the way
i want them too.
i reallly had high hopes this time.
ha. that never happens.
:[
and i've cried and you would think i would better for it
but the sadness just sleeps and it stays in your spine
for the rest of my life
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| come on and use me |
[Tuesday
May 15th, 2007
7:39pm] |
today consisted of a screaming 2 yr old
barney
hot weather
all my money wasted on gas.
my life is too ....much the same everyday.
every since i moved to good ol' cherrry hill.
im so empty.
blah.
so tell me who to do this without getting hurt?
i dont know anything and im so fickle
god.
i want that kind love that makes you so crazy.
crazy in a good way. in bad way. in every fucking way.
i want love.
pure love.
without limits and conditions
i just want to exist.
yah this entry didnt make sense.
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[Tuesday
May 15th, 2007
8:53am] |
but if you stay too long inside my memory,
i will trap you in a song tied to a melody
& i will keep you there so you can't bother me
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| I believe in loving you at first sight, |
[Tuesday
May 15th, 2007
8:17am] |
10am.
coffee.
lonely.
missing places.people.you.
i need a change, a new name, face and a new start.
new friends. a new everything.
so tell me how and ill sign right up.
blah. i have to babysit today @ 2. til 630.
4 hours of elmo.
loooooovely
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| it's been a hellish fight to not think about you all the time. |
[Monday
May 14th, 2007
9:36pm] |
she keeps hurting you.
and you let her for whatever reason.
yes, its love.
and love is supposed to hurt maybe?
maybe immature love is supposed to hurt.
but real love builds you.
and makes you a better person.
i dont get why some people dont see their self worth.
hanging out with old friends is always nice.
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| things |
[Monday
May 14th, 2007
1:27pm] |
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so i made a new journal for like the 100797987 time.
im not sure if ill even keep up with it or even add anyone. i just want some where i can write my thoughts i guess.
maybe its you.
maybe it me.
maybe i just dont like myself.
everything annoys me.
i cant stand anyone.
i dont like talking i just want to sit with someone and just hold their hand
and have it be okay.
have them tell me im going to be "okay" and even if im not.
i want to believe maybe i will be.
i want to feel something.
anything.
i really want that puppy.
ha. wishful thinking.
i want to start talking to you again.
again wishful thinking.
thanx for inviting me to your birthday.
friends forever?
i bet.
i ramble alot.
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